Monday, October 29, 2007

She's 78 years old and uses email

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This is an email I received and it really only needs to be sent to one person in my address book.

Dear Mom,

I must send my thanks for sending me the email about the roach bug poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But it’s a good kind of broke.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I am so excited!!

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. No wonder I never got the beautiful pink and fabulous Barbie car I wanted when I was a kid. No email to reinforce those prayers!

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. Thanks Mom.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make those products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I never ever use margerine because it is only one molecule away from plastic.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because you told me I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. To think I have been risking my life for years!

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone (you tried to call? Sorry) because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore, and Uzbekistan .

I no longer use the rest-room in any restaurant because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I won't ever pick up a $5.00 bill dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

And thank you so much, for letting me know to call 911 IMMEDIATELY should I find myself in my bathtub, submerged in ice and missing my kidneys. I would not have known what to do otherwise.

Now Mom, if you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

OH! And if you send this email to enough people something really cool will pop up on your screen after you hit enter!! Just wait Mom, you’ll see!!

I’m sorry, one more thing. I know all of this to be true because you checked it all through Snopes.com before you sent any of it to me which means it must be the God’s honest truth.

I really appreciate it Mom.

Love,

Your Daughter
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4 Comments:

Stimey said...

Hi-larious!

Catherine said...

Priceless! Only a Mum could possibly be like that!

nutmeg said...

This made me pee myself - we must have been born to the same mother - maybe they were seperated at birth. I'm confused. A water buffalo on a hot day... use the cancer sticks!

Gemheaven said...

rofl - well I'm laughing now I have a feeling this could be my mum in a year or so lol