Still tired and still confused and upset about Jason's kid!

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Last night was the second sleep study and it was different from the first in that the technician I had was more experienced than the first, and knew all the tricks to making the 592 wires (of course that is either approximate or wildly exaggerated) less obtrusive.  She ran wires under my pajamas so they weren't as easy for me to get caught up in and made it easier to turn over and generally get into a more comfortable position.  Her name was Janet and I cannot tell you what self restraint it took on my part to not say "damn-it Janet" lest I use the reference she has probably heard every day since Rocky Horror came out.


This time I slept using the cpap machine, forcing humidified air into my nose all night.  Once I got past my initial twinge of claustrophobia (the only air I can breathe is coming through this mask and I'm not sure it feels like enough ...!) I was fine.  A friend of mine uses one of these and says that she frequently wakes up with the mask on the floor next to the bed or on the pillow next to her head so I was surprised I slept with it on my face with little difficulty all night.


I took a sleeping pill when I got there which I'm sure helped me fall asleep, but it apparently still took me a good 4 hours before I got into REM sleep.  I don't know what any of it means, I have to wait for the pulmonologist to review the results to see what the recommendations are.


I don't expect miracles but I would like to feel rested - at least some of the time.  Came home and napped for a good part of the day, now I have a headache and am all stuffed up after watching some episodes of General Hospital from last week that made me cry, cry, and cry some more.  Y'know they have pulled this before, killing somebodies kid so another kid can be saved because of the miracle of their friend giving one of their organs to their child .. but this time the kid who died was Jason's.  Jason doesn't cry.  So when Jason cried, I cried.  A lot.  Sheesh.


Going to go to bed early and sleep some more so I can get some things done tomorrow.  The weekend is never long enough.


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Three days. Period. That's all she wrote.

You ever get yourself all jazzed up about an exercise program?  You've finally got the ambition, the incentive - whatever it is you need and you're ready??  Happens to me all the time.  I come across a new program, DVD, gadget, supplement, and I know. It. Will. Work!  Uh huh. 

3 days later I am once again one with the couch.  There are DVDs that have been watched only once and deemed way too hard, a few pieces of equipment that have been used off and on .. well .. still being used off and on, if the space between off and on can be as long a months or years.  

 

There was one video that was never tried after the first time because I thought I was gonna die!  And the steps that came with it are now used for sitting in front of my makeup mirror and doubles as a step for the (full figured) cat to get up on the bed.

The older videos, Jane Fonda, Richard Simmons, and the 20 minute workout got the most amount of time devoted to them.  I was younger, more enthusiastic and didn't resent it so much when I couldn't eat candy or Taco Bell.  Okay, truth - I still ate those things.  And it didn't matter as much as it does now.  OF COURSE.

Y'know there's a bit of unfairness about aging .. besides the fact that youth is wasted on the young.  Just when you get to a point in your life when you feel like you should be able to relax and have that extra serving of potatoes or a nice slice of that cheesecake for dessert  -       all of a sudden your body says HEY!  Those potatoes would look really good around your waist, and that cheesecake would really dress up your chin.  Nice.  

Or it might say something like - oh you're gonna pay for that one - and stops you up for days - or goes right through you.  Oh!  And just might add a bit of heartburn for good measure.   Yes!

Ya gotta love this getting older thing.                                 

When I was younger I would try these things too, but weight was so much easier to lose and sometimes a few days without ice cream after dinner would do it - but now I might as well apply that ice cream directly to my thighs because that's where it's going to end up anyway.  Now though, I get mad at myself and exasperated that I can't do what I need to do to keep myself healthy.  But I still try.  

Damn those 3 days.

Seems it's rule in my head and I can't get past it.  I try telling people I'm trying something new to keep me honest, I come up with schemes in my head and they all seem so wonderful.  There are self-hypnosis apps for my phone for weight loss, apps to record workouts - there are doggone video games to use to exercise and lose weight.  When you look at all the tools out there, bogus or not, you would think I could stick to SOMEthing!  Because truly, I know what works.  I know the lifestyle changes necessary and habits I must adapt.  But it just doesn't last.

 I promise you - in my head I become this effortless runner, barely out of breath after a few miles.  In my head I look and feel wonderful and have no cheesecake under my chin.  It's amazing what I can do in my head!  But it doesn't translate to real life and I find that really difficult to accept. 

 

 
I haven't given up but boy howdy!  This is tough stuff!  Especially when you add things like stress.  Sigh-h-h-h.  How do YOU do it?  DO you do it?

I love her.

*
There used to be lots of quiet moments to myself. LOTS. One reason I will never marry again, I LIKE my own company and I LIKE quiet sedentary time in front of my computer or whatever.

There doesn't seem to be much of that alone time anymore. My mom looks forward to seeing me, I'm her lifeline.

But I DO love the lady in my car.

If I had had the lady in my car when my kids were little maybe we would have gone more places, maybe I wouldn't have been so housebound and panicky about going places I was not familiar with.

The lady tells me where to turn, gives me the fastest route if I'm in a hurry or the one with the least use of highways if I'm not. She's always polite and she always knows where she's going.

I love her.

She takes care of me and asks nothing in return. And if I make a mistake or don't listen she doesn't get aggravated she just finds a new way of getting me where I'm going. And right now with my brain as mushy as it is, it's nice to have one thing to hand off, to not have to worry about right now.

She really is a lovely lady, I'm telling you. I should introduce you.

*

TIRED

SO-o-o-o tired. Like I don’t even want to get up to pee tired. It was an awful no, goofy, it was a bizarre day at work today. I stayed late and still barely got a thing done all day. Can you say VERSION CHANGE?? Yeah. ‘Nuff said about that.

Went to the grocery story on my way home and bought copious amounts of fruit and some vegetables, all things that are good for me. Well, I did sneak in one frozen pizza, a little one. Other than that I gave the cashier fits as he was in training and you know what produce can be like. Poor guy.

I realized I must have crossed some kind of threshold when the young checker called me Ma’am and I didn’t cringe, and I felt compelled to encourage the boy - that he’ll be doing it with his eyes closed in no time. Like a Mom.

By the time I got home and got everybody fed and groceries put away, it was all I could do to wash some cherries and sit down and read a few blogs. With Cherries. But what did I find as I rounded the sofa … puke. Cat puke. Not a lot, THAT was over by my bedroom door. No, this was small but not unobtrusive by any means. It was right across my laptop power cord. You can thank me at any time for not taking a picture for you. I thought about it while I was cussing under my breath and having fantasies of posting this and having people come from far and wide to give my cats better homes where people don’t mind the puke, the pill giving, the hair everywhere and the patting their face while they sleep.

It’s just a fantasy I know. In real life I clean up all the puke and get turned into the ASPCA for thinking bad thoughts about my cats.

An orange jumpsuit doesn’t seem so bad about now.

What took me so long?

I have been feeling very tired this week and haven’t been sleeping that well. That’s very unusual for me as I have always been a champion sleeper. On my drive home from work I was thinking about why, when I walk in the door after work, I can’t seem to just change my clothes and lay down for a little bit of a nap. Or big nap. Whatever the case may be, I never get there very fast.

So, coming in the door today I was paying attention to just what it is I do when I come home.

I walked in the door and set my purse down on the desk, as well as my keys. I made the observation that there were 2 packages for me sitting on the desk. My son must have brought them in earlier in the day. Into the kitchen where I set down my lunch box, I opened it and removed the ice thingy so I could pop it back into the freezer. Also removed the lid and rinsed out my travel mug at the sink.

By then Riley (the cranky old male cat) was yelling at me so I followed him into the back of the house to add some more dry food to the dishes back there. Not that he really wanted to eat right then, he just likes to assert his alpha maleness and see if he can get me to serve him. Yes he can. When I finished with that I headed back to the kitchen where Riley was already waiting by the water dishes, expectantly. Obediently I emptied, rinsed, and refilled those.

As I headed out of the kitchen Jakie (the oldest female cat) was already yelling at me to follow her to the bathroom and since it was in the direction I was already going, I did. In the bathroom she jumped up onto the toilet and waited for me to turn the water on at the faucet, and then clearly yelled “Mo-om” at me because she wanted me to pick her up, give her a pet and a snuggle and then set her down on the counter so she could drink from the tap.

After I completed that I continued to head to my bedroom where I took my shoes off and my pants, grabbed a pair of ¾ length work out pants (yeah right) and quickly pulled those on. I headed back out of the bedroom stopping at the bathroom to turn the water off and remembered I forgot to unleash the girls. I unhooked my bra and had it mostly off and pulled out from under my shirt by the time I got back to my bedroom, and dropped it on my bed. Did you guess I was home alone? Er … without humans?

I left the bedroom again, stopped in front of the couch and turned on my laptop and the TV. My control center. I headed back toward the kitchen to get something to drink and poor Norah ( the middle child kitty) who is the skittish one had run into the carrier next to the desk so I stopped to pet her, to encourage her to come out and get some attention, rewarding her for not being as doggone (heh) demanding as the rest!

Oh! There were packages, right! I grabbed those and plopped them down on the couch to be attended to when I got back to my ‘spot’. I went into the kitchen and grabbed a can of pop (yes, pop, not soda) out of the fridge which I carried into the living room and set down on the end table next to my laptop.

By then I really needed to pee so I turned around and went back to the bathroom and was joined by Jake again so before I sat down I turned the water on and put her back on the counter. Again. When I did sit down to do my business, Jake jumped down from the counter and rubbed against my legs so I pet her with one hand while I attended to Abby’s paw (she is the youngest and most evil of the cats) coming into the room from under the door. Seeing as that is the only way you can play with her without her drawing blood - with a door separating you from her, and always wanting to take advantage of an opportunity to socialize her more, I patted her paw, grabbed at it with my fingers and wrapped a string (left on the bathroom floor for this purpose) around it. Still. petting. Jake. When I finished up I washed my hands (because you know women do and men don’t. much.) and left the room.

At that point I made it to the couch and sat down. Yay. I opened my packages, set one item aside but then had to try out one of my purchases. It was a Furminator. Yes, that’s what I said. A Furminator. Always being in search of a new torture - er - tool with which to groom the beasts I live with, I had to try it out.

Fast forward – I managed to de-fur (somewhat) 3 of the cats, ending up with a nice clump of hair which I headed into the kitchen to throw into the garbage, and stopped at the sink to rinse my hands off.

Back into the living room I signed onto my laptop, opening MSN and my mail, then Firefox and my usual 3 tabs, Etsy, my blog, and Google Reader. I checked my mail, deleted the junk and moved on to my blog. There were no new comments. The Dan Band wasn’t a hit but I’m telling you I will go see them when they come to town, blog love or no. You will be so jealous when I tell you all about it!

Next I checked my reader; there were 23 new posts to read which I refrained from doing. Okay maybe I read a few. And commented. It was tough but I managed to control myself and did not go through every single one. I grabbed the phone and moved to the other end of the couch, laying the phone within reach on the carpet, realizing as I finally lay down that I had not taken my earrings off. I can sleep with the earrings in the back holes, but I have to remove the chunkier earrings I wear in the front. I got back up and took my earrings off as I trudged to my bedroom and laid them on my dresser.

I looked around warily as I made my way back to the couch, what else had I forgotten? It was only 45 freakin’ minutes since I had gotten home, and I was finally going to lay down for a teeny tiny nap (read: knock out and wake up 3 hours later) if there was nothing else I felt compelled. to. do.

I lay down and pulled the quilt off the back of the couch and covered myself with it lying on my side. Jake was immediately there next to the couch looking up at me so I lifted the corner of the quilt up and she jumped up and crawled under, turned around so she could poke her head out and rest her head in the crook of my arm. Ah-h-h. Finally. After many wasted movements and demands from the other inhabitants of my home, I was able to rest. Nice.

SO tired!!!

For some reason the pics disappeared from my last post. No idea why but I am too tired to go back and add them again.

I have been looking at other people's blogs and they are all so nice and fancy and slick! I have no idea how to do that! I'm lucky I can write and stick a few pictures on here. There are a lot of people whose blogs are really commercial - they interview other sellers and artists and what-not, and post pictures of their items. I might put something on here if I see something I like - but I doubt I will ever get so intricate.

I find that lately I am STILL not getting any jewelry made, I am on this computer from when I get up until I go to bed. Lately. I am reading the forums on Etsy, I am trying to design postcards and business cards and trying to figure out all the promotional stuff. Today I finally gave in. After trying to print my own business cards and never being able to actually line them up properly - I confess I have finally consulted someone who does it for a living. I give!

This is my first try, kind of simple, not a lot of frills, looks pretty good. But in talking to my daughter - well - seems it needs something. So - I went back to the drawing board. I think I have lost track of which one's are which now, I just know this one was the first.

I sit here and do this stuff until I am bleary eyed and have gotten nothing else done all weekend. Tomorrow I will check my email about the magnets and business cards I am ordering, make sure I haven't sold anything, but then it will have to be housework and laundry, etc.

I think this is the 2nd one - but I'm not sure. ------------>

I am so sleepy this could be a picture of one of my kids for all I know at this point!!

<------ This one is my fancy one - and that's being nice. I would probably say busy, gaudy, etc now. And since I really don't know what I'm doing - it takes me forever to get to the point where I can print it and sit back and look at it to decide whether or not I like it. No doubt about this one - all that work and I hate it!

This is the final copy of what I want. I think. I had better - cause I have made arrangements to have it printed as business cards and magnets!!

In the midst of all that I decided to try to make postcards to hang on various bulletin boards, etc. I made one - printed out a bunch only for my daughter to point out I had put a comma where there needed to be a period - in the web address no less, so I corrected it and printed more. Ugh. Too much.

I keep thinking I need to get all this stuff nailed down so I can settle down and just make jewelry. I feel like I have ideas going through my head all the time, I miss it, but there are other things I have to do. I want to make jewelry!!!

Going to bed now. Not that anybody else reads this - but sorry for the dizzy post. I always get to this late at night and I guess I'm lucky if it EVER makes any sense.

Nite!!

BetteJo