Thursday, April 29, 2010

Let the games begin! Or not ..

Did I mention that my mom is coming? Tomorrow? I was very freaked out at work today. I received a call from a nursing home I had inquired about a while back. The girl I talked to was so nice and so helpful, I almost cried. It's a nonprofit place which from everything I've read, is usually better than a for-profit facility. Trying to learn these things. But today was not the day for it.

Have you ever felt so emotional or so on the verge - that you just don't want anyone to be
too nice to you because you know it will push you over the edge of whatever composure you're holding onto? Yeah, like that. And my office mate kept babbling on about things that I had no interest in, not trying to distract me but because she was oblivious. She's one of those people who does not have the ability to see things through anyone else's eyes. If you spell it out to her she will express sympathy and I think it's heartfelt but I also think she doesn't naturally feel empathy. And I wasn't in the mood to fill her in, so everything she did today annoyed me.

Not fair to her I suppose, but - oh well.

It's kind of funny too because I came home from work and immediately started doing things like cleaning the smudges from the front of the fridge and the dishwasher. Like my mom is going to notice that stuff. Cause she won't. She's the one who dropped something on my carpet when she was living here a while back and instead of telling me or trying to clean it up, she rubbed it into the rug with the heel of her foot.


I saw her do it out of the corner of my eye and I was astounded. This is the woman who spent half my childhood bent at the waist because she was always picking lint off the carpet. It's hard to see that she's not the same anymore.

I always thought that when people get old they either stay the same personality wise, or they change because of dementia. My mom gets confused sometimes, but she does not have dementia.
Still - she is not the same woman. Hard to explain but like I said to the girl on the phone today, her maturity is gone. It's like she wants to stamp her feet and hold her breath like a child when she gets angry or frustrated. She said her mom was the same way when she got older. It's that full circle thing I guess. Some people lose some of their cognitive abilities and the filters people normally have, as they age. Art Linkletter (dating myself BIG here) should have said "kids and old people say the darnedest things" and it would have been absolutely comparable and true.

Okay, so I'm terrified right now. Not sure of what. But you know I'll tell you.


Mahala said...

I'm here for ya girlie. *Hugs*

Diane at Crafty Passions said...

OMG.... I can feel it .... the vibes all the way over here.....
I am so sorry......
Be strong... you CAN do this !

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine what you are going through. I hope everything works out for you. Hold on to that thread that keeps you together for just a bit longer. You have a lot of people that care about you.

Susannah said...

Hang in there, sweet one! Praying for you.

Get support - nursing home, Senior center, church, social workers, etc.!!