When I was married, the money was handled by my husband. I was so conscious about saving money, I never shopped or bought so much as a diaper without asking him first. He went out and bought himself $800.00 suits (in the early 80's) but I wouldn't even buy myself new socks without running it by him. We had children, I grew up in a house, I wanted my children to grow up in a house.
For a period of about a year or maybe it was 2, we lived in a one bedroom apartment. Our queen sized bed and a mattress on the floor for the kids along with 3 dressers were all crammed into one bedroom. But to me - we were saving money for a house.
When we bought the house, it wasn't long before I found out my marriage was irretrievably broken, not even worth going to counseling (according to him) and I could not keep my house for long after that. It was a few years in total, but I had to sell it or I would have lost it.
Since then my living arrangements, furniture, everything has been "good enough". Not "good", but "good enough". My $50.00 thrift store couch has lasted me for a number of years. My car is 10 years old, the house I live in was not one I liked when I moved in but it was again, good enough.
The guy I was dating for many years after my divorce would fix things or build things for me but it was always with that "good enough" attitude, not necessarily good, but good enough. It was what I was accustomed to. Good enough, and not expecting more.
It's only been in the last year or so that I've started to get fed up with "good enough". I have worked very hard for a long time, why can't I have "good"? If I have worked for it, if I am supporting myself and can afford it, why do I still feel guilty about wanting "good" now??
This is making finding a house very difficult. (well, that and the fact that I am CRAZY!!!!)
Wednesday, November 16, 2011