Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Wherein I reveal uncomfortably dirty laundry.

Going back to work tomorrow, and I'm kinda scared.  Still feeling raw, and before my brother left to go back home he asked if I was on my meds.  Well yeah!  But taking antidepressants does not stop you from feeling what anyone else does when a loved one dies.  ???   Plus, I am a crier.  I am the emotional one.  Always been that way.  Yet I came to some disturbing realizations about our family, I cried, and I got that question.  For a person who has suffered from depression for a long time, it's the equivalent of asking a woman "are you getting your period?"

My family kind of sucks.  Not my kids of course, I'm speaking about my siblings.  Okay, and me.  We don't truly get along and we all have too much of my dad in us.  None of us are married, everyone has been married and divorced twice except me, and that's only because I don't want to do it again.  But after an argument with one brother I burst out to the other one - "I hate our family .. !!".. pause.."dynamic!"  And the realization that we don't really have a family unit, that my mom was what held us together at all, made me sad.  So, am I off my meds?  NO!! 

And .. I kind of went off on one brother (not the one I argued with) because he wants to give my sister money right off the top of what my mom has left us to make there be some equality between how much money my mom gave all of us over the years.  That's fine.  I couldn't care less.


He's making it sound like a moral equivalency because my sister feels ostracised by the family, feels no one understands the things she did or why, in relation to my mom.  Like giving her money and making things equal will make her feel like we care.  Putting the whats and whys aside, what I do know is that for the 2 years my mom lived with my brother, my sister did not see my mom.  For the time my mom was here and in the nursing home by me, my sister did not come to see her.  Even after several hospitalizations during which the doctors were not sure she would make it, my sister did not come. 

So if my brother feels some need to make things equal for my sister, that's fine.  Money isn't the important thing and honestly - it's what my mom would have wanted.  But he can stop trying to couch it as a human response to my emotional sister who has his ear and is most likely only dealing with her own guilt.  I just don't feel the need to soothe her psyche or his.

.. climbing down now ..

Oh, and for the record - I have said before, my meds made such a huge difference for me in my life, someone will have to pry them out of my cold dead hands one day.   NOT off my meds.  Just grieving.  What a concept.



Anonymous said...

Sadly that is true of so many families. Every one deals with grief differently (my ex thought I should just get over it when my grandmother passed.)Don't let the family dynamics get to you. Grieve in your own way, at your own pace. And keep taking your meds. It will get better.

Stimey said...

It's so unfair that you have to deal with these big, important decisions at one of the worst times of your life. So sorry. Family can be so tricky.

Good luck at work!

Susannah said...

You're so right: grief & depression are two entirely different things. They can superimpose on each other, but different entities nonetheless. Taking care of your mental health by doing what you know works (Paxil, Zoloft, Cymbalta, whatever) will only assist your emotional health (grieving) proceed w/ less complications. But hey, you knew that.

Brothers...have 2 of 'em myself. It's not so much them that cause the ruckus (when there is one) -- their wives can be a piece of work, though! ;)