Tuesday, March 2, 2010

What's at the end of the rope?

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A crisis always brings out the best in everyone, right? I wish. Part of my mother's aging process has brought her to a place where she is teetering between being a teenager and an adult. She wants to make her own decisions (kind of) but wants people to do everything for her. She shifts between being dependent and being stubbornly independent, although independence is not possible for her anymore.

So what does a good mother do when confronted with her own inability to take care of her illness and herself? Oh and maybe can't face her own mortality? Why, she blames her kids of cours
e! Namely my brother who has been doing chemo for damn near the whole two years she's lived with him, by the way. HIS fault. HE wants to throw her into a mental institution y'know.

Speaking with my brother tonight we were talking about the makeup of our family. He asked me if I remember ever crawling into my moms lap. Um.. no, I guess not. Did I remember hugs? Um.. no. Not really, I mean .. no. When it came to coldne
ss I blamed my strict Germanic father for being undemonstrative and authoritarian and well - cold. But as hesitant as I was to admit it to my brother, I have been thinking about my mother and her emotional abilities shall we say, for a few years now. My dad was the one who was distant - but I always had my mom, didn't I? Did I really? Is it possible that the one person you always thought was emotionally available to you - wasn't? Is it possible I have seen her the way I wanted to all these years?

Admitting that both my parents were emotionally distant and okay - stunted - is pretty scary. What does that say about me? Was I good mom? Not as good as I would have liked to have been, because my kids grew up with me while I was not medicated for depression. But do they see me as someone who can give them emotional support? Someone who will hug them, kiss them, tell them I love them?


I know I shy away from touchy feely type people. But with my own family? I don't know. I know I can't change what I've done, but can I fix anything? Well, I won't figure it out tonight. I'm exhausted. And tomorrow I need to "stick my mother in a mental institution" dontcha know.

Have to rest up for that.
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5 Comments:

Mahala said...

My head has been where yours is. It's a confusing place. *hugs*

Tonya said...

I figure you did a much better job than you know. Its hard to be "touchey feely" when you weren't raised that way. All you can do is the best you can with what you have...Thats all anyone can do. Hang in there.

Diane at Crafty Passions said...

My folks were not huggy touchy feely people,I do how ever make a point of telling my kids I love them and I do it almost every day.I knew my folks loved me but they never reached out for a hug or a kiss(heaven forbid),the day my mother died she told me she loved me and I told her I loved her ,it was the first and last time I ever heard those words from her lips, that memory is going to stay with me until I die.
I have the MIL living here with us , she has alzheimers and she is ok for the moment but it is getting worst its hard on hubby and I who are both retired and deserve some fun before we kick the bucket ourselves... when do you say enough is enough and place her??? Only time will tell....
I know that dosen't help you at all... sorry... LOL! Smile it only hurts when you think of it.
Diane

Lady Banana said...

I find it best not to think too deeply about what was.. It get's too upsetting.

Teena in Toronto said...

It's got to be tough dealing with an aging mother.

My father died when I was 8. My mother was never a touchy feely person. I think she had kids because it was expected of women from that time.

I've become touchy feely in the last ten or so years ... and I like it :)