Friday, July 13, 2007

There is just nothing easy about it. Part I

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Depression. When someone suffers from depression they are so alone. Maybe not in actuality - but they may as well be. The overriding feeling is hopelessness. There can be a mind numbing nameless feeling of not being able to see the point in your being alive, what part you could possibly play in this life. That does not mean you are suicidal, although many are. There are levels. It is complicated.


I think my depression began in my teens. When I was 18 my Mom and I had to move out of our house because according to her divorce agreement - when I turned 18 she either had to buy out my Dad's half of the house - or it had to be sold. She could not buy it and my Dad had no qualms about sending his new wife over to paint the bedrooms in preparation for uprooting us, me, from the home I had lived in since I was 5 years old. My Dad was such a lovely man.

We moved into an apartment in a nearby suburb. I had just broken up with my boyfriend, dropped out of high school, and I locked myself in my new bedroom for over a month. I imagine I came out for the necessities, but for the most part I have very little memory of that time. I know I slept a lot. My Mom approached me one day and asked "are you okay? Do you want to talk to someone?" What??? My Mom didn't make things happen. She waited for things to happen and then reacted to them. Her coming to me like that was - uncomfortable. "like a psychiatrist or something? No. No I don't". And that was the extent of it.

I do remember the butterflies and feeling of sudden panic when she mentioned that to me - she had implied something was wrong with me. Nothing was wrong with me. I was very quick to assert that to myself. I was just at loose ends. We had moved and my friends weren't calling and my boyfriend was dating someone else and I had attended what was supposed to be my graduation - in the bleachers. But I was fine. Really. I repeated that to myself over and over again, for years to come. There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me. Really.
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4 Comments:

useless_rambler said...

Being 18 is hard enough when things are good, I can't imagine what it must have been like for you.

I'm finding more and more that just 'getting it out', no matter how fresh it all is, really does have some 'magical' quality.

I can not tell you how much I am appreciating all of your input over in my little neck of the web. You seem like a very strong lady who has been through it, and lived to tell about it.

I'm really enjoying reading, discovering a new 'friend'.

Thank you :)

AmandaD said...

Society demands that we silence the voice that heralds the ebb and flow of saddness, anxiety and depression. Nothing wrong indeed, just normal. I hope you are balanced more on the wings of joy now.

The Family Jewels said...

You just keep amazing me more and more everyday. Thank you for putting into writing the beautiful words in your heart. Keep it up!

-Tonia

BetteJo said...

Being 18 was not fun for me and I would never go back!
But I truly am so much happier now, so much more at peace and so much more aware of my emotions.
Glad to be here!
Thanks all - for commenting and being so sweet and caring!