Ending on a good note.

Four wonderful and or exciting things have happened in the last two days. MY AEROBICS DVD IS HERE!!! Can you say home made? But that’s okay because the show was never put out on DVD, not even sure about video for that matter. So I have two DVD’s and eight episodes. Woot!

And .. remember my old man cat Riley going to the vet and having blood work done? Yeah, so he is in the early stages of hyperthyroidism which is not unusual for a cat his age. I was given medication for him but I am also trying something else. I consulted with Holly, over at A Spiritual Dog Blog, about treating Riley with herbs. She has been studying and working really hard to gain the knowledge to treat animals holistically with Chinese herbs. Her business is taking off – she’s very busy these days but she put together an herbal formula based on Riley’s symptoms and age, etc, and got it to me in like 2 days. I have her button on my side bar; have a look. I am so happy for her success and grateful for her help with Riley! Thank you Holly!

At the end of last year sometime I wrote about Andy Clary, a friend from 25 years ago asking – does anyone know where he is?? I have seen some Google searches for the name, but no one has ever contacted me until this morning. An old friend of one of Andy’s sisters emailed me to say she doesn’t know directly where Andy is now but she does run into his sister from time to time and will try to help me make the connection if she can. I was thrilled to get that email – it’s the closest I’ve come to finding Andy again so it’s exciting! And I thank Deb for making my day!

Speaking of making my day .. ! Thursday night I couldn’t sleep. At.all. Consequently, going to work yesterday morning was brutal. I do not function well without any sleep so was not nearly as productive at my job as I would have liked to be and it was a very long day. So it was a wonderful surprise at the end of my work day to get a phone call from my BF that he was outside waiting for me. I packed up my laptop and lunchbox, grabbed my purse and my jacket and keys … it never ends. Anyway, I went outside to my car and opened the door to put all my baggage inside – and a glorious smell wafted out. There was a water bottle with lilacs in it sitting in one of my cup holders! I had mentioned seeing some as I was waiting for a red light the other day and he remembered and surprised me with some he followed his nose to find. And then he was beside me to seal it with a kiss. Sigh-h. And the picture? My lilacs are sitting next to the roses my BF gave me earlier in the week.

I know, right?

*

**Edited to add- I just realized by the picture and what I wrote, it almost looks like Holly treats mostly cats. But the flipside of that card has a picture of a dog on it! I would venture to guess she treats more dogs than cats but can obviously do both. Don't want any dog owners to be discouraged!

One foot in front of the other. Literally.

Weight Watcher’s works. For the most part. I am seeing some success which is spurring me on. However, I feel like I should be having more success than I am.

I have come to the conclusion that either I am dead – or have no metabolism what-so-ever. I suppose that’s what happens when you sit in one spot all.of.the.time. I guess I have known this all along but I’ve always told myself – I need to lose a bit of weight and then I will be more comfortable exercising.

Who am I fooling??? I need to get off the couch NOW.

So, in the interest of staying honest I need to post about my next step.

Generally I am on the side of the television dial where you find the forensic programs or the home shows with a bit of Scott Baio and Jon and Kate thrown in. But I do have one show I watch on network TV. General Hospital. I tape each episode every day when I am at work and then watch them all on the weekend.

I am going to change that.

It seems that I need things to be very defined. There must be rules for things and I must make promises and say them out loud before I will get something done. How sad.

What I need to do and what I am going to start doing – is to make my soap time, my movement time. Instead of watching all 5 hours of my show on the weekend, I am going to start watching each day’s episode in the evening. And during the time that episode is on – I must be moving. Whether I’m on the treadmill, doing some kind of floor exercise or messing with weights, I must be moving. It is my new rule. Because if I am doing anything wrong, this is it. I am absolutely sedentary.

There are no small children to run after at my house, and I work at a desk. I come home from work and most evenings I can be found in front of the TV with my laptop. I’ve actually been having fun taking control of my diet and now – I plan to enjoy taking control of my activity level.

People say you can’t stop smoking until you are ready. Same goes for weight loss. For so long I have felt out of control and spiraling downward when it comes to my weight. I did quit smoking (a few times) and finally have not gone back to it. Now it’s time for the weight and for the first time in a very long time – I feel like I am ready.

It really is time. Go me!!

And when it's all done - there will be photos!!!

The best of both worlds!

I'm tired today. And I'm cold. It's below zero outside and doesn't feel much warmer in here. My furnace is totally working, but it barely turns off these days. I am afraid to see what my gas bill will be!


My new position at work is kicking my butt, I have been going all day without any time for anything but - well - work! I like to ease into it a bit in the morning, but because the 'team' I'm on now is national, some of my co-workers are on the east coast, some on the west, and I'm right in the middle. I know that some of them on the east coast start work at something like 7:00am which means that by the time I get in at 8:30 some of those people have 2 and a half hours head start on me! So I get to work and hit the ground running.


It's not a race, but there is always competition and the feeling that people are looking at you sideways because look how much they have gotten done before you even get into work!


I am glad to have gotten the new position, happy to learn new things and even if I whine I really would rather be busy, this week has just flown by! Still - there is that lingering sense of not being good enough and needing to prove myself. So, I am working very hard.


Before leaving work I started my car and let it warm up for about 10 minutes, and when I crossed the frozen tundra that is our parking lot - got in the car - it.was.still.cold. Warmer than outside, on it's way to being warm, but even my car's heater has trouble keeping up with this cold. Br-r-r-r.


Stopped on my way home and got my hair cut because we all know it's a great idea to expose our ears to the fullest extent when the temps drop below zero! Seems I tend to do things backwards like that. Get the short haircuts when it's cold out and sweat with the hair on the back of my neck when it's warm.


Feeling all fancy with my new haircut I decided to stop at the drugstore. I have been out of makeup remover wipes, cloths, whatever you want to call them. I love the little plastic box where I can lift the lid and pull out a cloth as easily as a tissue. Realizing I was out a couple nights ago there was something like panic. Okay, mild panic. How will I get my makeup off!?!?!?!? As if I wasn't wearing makeup before these things were invented.


It's amazing how spoiled we are, I know I have easily slipped into the simpler way of doing things. I remember having conversations with my daughter in particular, telling her there were no microwaves when I was a kid. No, there certainly wasn't any Internet because OH MY GOD there weren't even any personal computers back then. Our phones were rotary, cell phones didn't exist, and when they did - they were bolted into your car with a battery the size of a shoe box in the trunk!


I am glad we have all the things that make life easier now, but boy does anyone else get thrown for a loop when some convenience goes haywire, or runs out, or dies? The microwave is broken? Wailing - what will I do-o-o-o??! How will I cook??


Now though, I have a new convenience I am determined to acquire. Whether I can buy it or have to rig it myself, I have to have this. How much time do I spend on my laptop in the evenings? I don't even want to admit how much. So this, this is what I am determined to have. Okay? Even the Mayo Clinic is saying this is a good thing to do!



The object is not to run or even walk fast. The recommended way of doing it is to run the treadmill at a slow walking speed. Slow enough so you can use your laptop effectively, whether for work or for fun, it's 100% better than SITTING behind the computer!




Like I said, I don't know if there is something affordable I can buy, or if I can figure out how to set something up on my own, I have to confess that nothing holds my attention quite like the computer does these days.



This? $6500.00. Yeah, that's not happening anytime soon. At least I think the price includes the treadmill!
*

What happened? I mean, really?

I know the answer. I know what it will take, I know how to do it, I have done it in the past. I have everything I need to do it.

Except motivation. Except whatever it takes to get my butt off the couch, get me off the computer, or get me out of the kitchen.

Exercise. Agh-h-h-h!!! Never been athletic, never been good at sports and instead of wanting to be picked first for games, I shrunk into the background hoping not to be picked at all.

When I was a stay at home Mom for a few years, and after that when I worked nights, I was able to get an actual work out in, 5 to 6 times a week. I used to get on my treadmill in the heat of summer and enjoy feeling the sweat run off my face and my body. Somehow it validated what I was doing. Look! I’m sweating like the proverbial pig! I am burning calories and firming muscles!!!

Lately though, there are so many reasons why I am not working out. So many reasons why I can’t. I mean, my exercise equipment is out in the garage. The garage is full of spiders and we all know how I feel about those. My treadmill is in the house but there is no room to face it toward the TV and I get too bored just listening to my ipod or staring at the curtains or through the window at my backyard.

I have no energy. I’m tired all of the time which of course is in no way related to the lack of exercise in my daily life.

You want to know what really happened? Okay. Oh, this is hard to admit. I was already heavier than I wanted to be. I was waffling (with whipped cream please) between the best way to exercise and was actually doing some of it. This was oh-h-h, 2 years ago and some change. So what happened to my activity level and my good intentions?

I got a laptop.

Seriously. And I got wi-fi.

Before I got the laptop I shared a computer (read begged to get
on every now and then) with my children. I enjoyed my time on the computer, teaching myself how to use it and navigating the Internet (read online shopping) for the first time. What can I say, I was late to the party.

My weight has moved up steadily, actually at an alarming rate, since I have had the luxury of taking my laptop wherever I want to in the house, sitting down with it and being automatically connected to the Internet. Preferably with the TV on mostly for background, I sit. I type, I click, I read blogs. I.do.not.move.

I must do something. This laptop, this Internet, they are my drug. I quit smoking about 5 years ago. I have shown I can do things when I put my mind to it. But for some reason at this point in my life I want to just enjoy myself. And I enjoy my laptop!!! And finger foods. I love anything you eat with your hands, candy corn, cheeze-its, Indian corn, things that rattle when you shake the bag or box. Oh and ice cream. Premium ice cream if you please.

It’s bad. It’s out of control.

So, I bought the DVD, another one. I’ve had it for about 5 days and I have managed to open the case. I took a picture of it. I haven’t quite gotten around to popping it in the DVD player, but that’s next, really!

Cause you know all of these other tapes and DVDs have been opened too – and some even made it into their respective players. Rarely has my body moved along with these perky or muscle bound instructors.

But I have a secret this time. I do good with things for dummies. Anything for dummies speaks to me so this DVD has to be the one that works! Yes, it’s the DVD that will do it!

But right now, I think I’ll have a little snack before bed and put more thought into this in the morning. Sheesh. And to think I used to be able to skip a meal and see my hip bones by morning.

This is work now.

So? I've had a bad day.

How come when you're feeling bad, maybe even feeling a little sorry for yourself and just when you decide to go with it, feel crappy, get through it and move on - there's always someone who is there to remind you. "Well it could always be worse." Yup, I could be dying, I could have no feet, I could a lot of things. But this is MY bad day and MY feelings and don't make me feel guilty - I already feel bad enough!

I DID lose a little bit of weight. But it's only a little and not nearly as much as I would think considering the fact that all the food I have been eating has been healthy! E-e-e-e-w!! Sorry but I'm a big fan of preservatives. The longer shelf life it has - the more of a guilty pleasure it is likely to be. I don't really mean that - but it sounded good. :)

When I got home from work after being in a funk there, I had to fight the urge to go to McDonald's. Now mind you, I don't even LIKE McDonald's that much! But I got the idea of a Quarter Pounder meal with a Coke in my head and it just wouldn't go away. I had to stop and ask myself, why am I doing this to myself? I have been force-feeding myself all this fruit and yogurt and low fat reconstituted healthy -ahem- food - working hard - and the day I weigh myself and discover I have actually lost a little bit of weight - I want to sabotage myself. Hmmm. What the hell is wrong with me?

I had to sit and think about it for a while. Do I want to fail? Am I hiding behind weight? I'm fat so I can't .... what??? I don't know. If you're thinking I'm going to end this with some profound insight you will be sorely disappointed. I just don't know. Obviously I am not eating just because I'm hungry. So why when it should be good news, do I try to make it bad?

Work was a drag although I must admit seeing Joan's face light up like a little kid when she saw me was a treat - she came over saying - "I miss you so much when you're not here!" It's nice to be greeted that way. Nothing horrible or momentous happened, I think I was reminded about how much I used to love my job. For about 16 years I truly loved my job. I was busy - sometimes crazy busy but at the end of the day I felt good. It was a "good kind of tired" to quote David Letterman. When everything else in my life had gone down the crapper for a while there - I could always go to work and feel good about myself because I loved the people I worked with and I was good at my job. I cannot tell you how many times a day I would answer that phone and hear relief in the voice on the other end and "Oh I am SO glad I got you!!" Because there were clients out there who thought I was the only person who could help them with their problem. I called it 'instant attaboys'. How many people get bunches of those in a day?

But about 4 years ago things started to change. As the company has gotten bigger, it has become less personal and very much about the bottom line. It's sad. The calls I used to take got sent to a regional help desk and we were asked to help those 'co-workers' and give them as much assistance as possible. Basically train the people who were taking our jobs. And we did it too - we never blamed the help desk people themselves, they were just doing their (our) jobs. It's the company. Slowly things are being taken away from us and we are feeling quite under-valued - as well as downright DE-valued.

I've never understood the American corporation - isn't a happy employee a better worker? Isn't an employee who feels empowered and trusted and valued going to give everything they possibly can to their job? Instead as things have changed we were actually told (by a supervisor who is no longer our supervisor) that we should just be grateful we have jobs. We ARE grateful. But we would also like to maintain our self respect and know that - in my case - my 20 years of experience means something.

Losing a huge contract at the end of last year prompted layoffs all over the country, my business unit as well. We all walk on eggshells because we are just waiting for the axe to fall, our time is coming. Thank God if it does happen I will be eligible for about 6 months of severance. It may not happen soon, but we just don't know so we are all uncomfortable all of the time. Working in a climate of fear every day is not a good feeling. Add to that a new bosses boss who is a micro-manager and you have some very unhappy people.

The other funkified place in my brain is that spot that thinks about where I live. I rent a house. I cannot afford to buy one and most likely never will. I had a house once, my ex bought it for me basically as a good bye gift when he knew he had fallen in love with his girlfriend. I know. Not a nice thought but at the time - I didn't know there was a girlfriend. We got a huge mortgage and I trusted him implicitly - he always handled the money. When we headed for divorce and he promised my child support and maintenance would cover the mortgage, I believed him.

When I was a little girl we never talked about careers in my house. Matter of fact I don't think we talked about the future -about what any of us wanted to do when we grew up. I never planned for anything other than being a wife and mother with a husband, a home, and children to raise. I think I always assumed I would have to work outside the home some, but never thought about getting an education or having any direction other than having the whole white picket fence ideal.

When I finally got my house - oh it was beautiful. To me anyway. I loved it. Nice neighborhood, great school just down the street, the kids could run right outside and play. I could hang things on the walls and they were MY walls - nobody could tell me I couldn't paint or hang pictures or change the tile in the bathroom. It was mine. I was in serious denial about my marriage at that point because I was terrified of being alone with 2 kids to support. It was easier to just not let my mind comprehend what was really happening.

When I got divorced and the ex was out of work a few times and couldn't pay me, I used my credit cards to keep the cash for the mortgage. I got in real trouble that way and I was so naive about money I did everything wrong. The first thing I should have done was to sell that house and buy something smaller with a more manageable mortgage, but I was romantic about it all. It was my house. My first house. My notion of a home was always - where you raise your kids and live forever - so your kids can bring their kids to visit and tell them - "this used to be my room." You didn't just sell your home or move your kids because of a divorce! Well, I really needed to.

After a few years of juggling I had to sell the house or the bank was going to take it. Horrible. I have heard it said that if you show a willingness to pay - and you call your mortgage company they will work with you. Not mine! I was on the phone with them in tears more than once - and they would not budge. Make your entire payment on this date, nothing else is acceptable.

Moving out of that house was the end of that picket fence dream for me. Not only was I broke but I was in the hole - BIG - and with what I earned and rent and everything it was always check to check, no savings. I think I mourned the death of that dream more than I mourned my actual divorce because by then I wasn't in love with the man I married anymore. And once the dream was dead - then what? It was all I ever planned for.

So after renting and moving and renting some more - I can usually deal with the idea that I will always live somewhere where someone else can tell me how many pets I can have. I am very aware of the fact that I am where I am because of a series of bad decisions on my part. As much as I would like to blame someone else, I can't. A few days ago my daughter (who works for a realtor when she is home from school) said "you know Mom, with the market so bad right now - I know an agent would work with you to help you get a house." She meant well, and I did not snap at her or anything but I did tell her that with about $1600.00 dollars in the bank - no - $300.00 after the landlord cashes her check - I wasn't in the market for a house, no matter what the market was doing - it wasn't my market.

So there I was a couple of days ago going for a walk for exercise doncha know. And when I am walking down the residential streets of my neighborhood with the mixture of older brick homes, bungalows, and big new Victorians - I can only walk and look and think and ask - how do all these people do it? I know the answer. It's the 2 income thing which I haven't had for a good long while. So I suck it up and most times deal with it. My path is my path for a reason, even if I don't know what that reason is. I remind myself of the good things - and there are many - and I'm okay.

It's just sometimes when a series of things happen all at once and I start to feel bad - I just plain feel bad. I will get better, probably even by tomorrow. Things will be seen in a different light. But today, tonight, things just kinda suck. I will get my Nutrisystem breakfast and lunch ready for tomorrow, get my tea ready for the morning. I need to remember to give Riley (the old boy kitty) his medicine. Then I will go outside and walk when it is dark and nobody can see me mooning at their houses and wishing they were mine and that the dream never died.

On the other hand, if the dream really never died, would that mean I would still have to be married to my ex-husband? Cause I'm sorry. That would be a deal breaker!

Geez. Even I have my limits.