A for entertainment value (It's NOT a Penis!)

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Went to the doctor tonight, got weighed - actually gained about 4 lbs.  Did not surprise me in the least.  A nurse put me in a room to wait for Dr. Cute where I would have my fill done in a few minutes.  There was a fluoroscope in the room.  Basically it's an x-ray where you stand in front of this metal disk and the thing in front of you takes pictures while you watch your innards on the screen.  


Waiting is not my favorite activity but I spent the 15 minutes or so alone in that room giggling like a jr high student.  Because this was the image left on the screen from the previous patient.

Um, yeah.  I know, right?  When the doc came in I showed it to him and asked what it was.  He obviously did not want to acknowledge what it looked like and proceeded to show me where it was actually a woman's stomach pouch and part of her breast and .. then he had to smile and admit he could see why I would think it was something else.  Picture me laughing now.  When he realized I thought it was extremely funny like any teenage boy would, he went and got the nurse and the receptionist telling them he needed them to help him with something.  The funniest thing was the 2 of them looking at the screen and tilting their heads and not saying a word as if they were trying to make sense of some piece of modern art.  Finally Dr. Cute says "It looks like a penis!"  And those 2 women still weren't sure if they should laugh.  Me?  Tears.  The doctor?  Laughing too.  And I am still not convinced that really is some woman's stomach pouch.  No matter how I look at it I can't see that.  Because below - this is my stomach.  Looks quite different, doesn't it?

Click to see it bigger

Enjoy.  :)  :)  :)

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So this surgery thing ...

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Tomorrow I go back to see my surgeon, for the 3rd time since my surgery in August.  Lap Band surgery.  Right from the get-go after my operation I discovered that I could still eat anything I wanted.  I spoke to a girl at work with a band who said she hasn't eaten steak in 2 years.  I was able to eat it in my 2nd week.  And when you don't feel that restriction - it's like just trying to diet the way you would normally - which I have proved I am no good at.  Awkward sentence structure anyone?  Anyway.


The doctor reassured me and told me everyone is different.  Some people only require the band itself - that puts enough restriction on their stomach to make them cut way back on what they eat and how much.  Other people require 1 fill, or 2 or more - where they fill the reservoir around the band with saline to make it tighter.  I have had 2 fills so far.  I can still eat a whole sandwich, I can eat chewy meat and taffy.  Not together of course.  The only time I have had any real trouble was one day at work when I ate a hard boiled egg and must not have been paying attention and didn't chew it as well as I should have or eaten it slowly enough.  Next thing I knew I was nauseated and was sitting at my desk with my garbage can in my lap, waiting to throw up.  But it passed pretty quickly and that has not happened again.


A couple bites of dry toast got a little stuck once, but then it passed and I was able to continue on and eat what I wanted.  I don't even get too full very quickly.


As happy as I have been in other aspects of my life, this is my one disappointment lately.  I admit I did not even attempt to eat well over the holidays, and I can tell in my energy level I've had too much sugar and in my waistband that I have eaten too much of the wrong things.  


We will see what the doctor says tomorrow.  He told me last time that he knows people who are overweight always feel like they are failing - and he doesn't want me to feel that I am failing with this.  He said if I fail - that means he fails too.  At least he's supportive and isn't going to beat me up.  Obviously he is used to working with people who are really good at beating themselves up.  He knows not to add to it.


We will see.  Just one more challenge I guess, one more fight to win.


But tomorrow I need the doc to explain to me (don't know why I didn't think of this before surgery!!) why this isn't the same as a cow having more than one stomach!  Look at the illustration.  I eat and the top stomach gets a bit full, but since I take small bites and chew really well it passes down into the second stomach and I can just keep going.  Right?  No?  Well he's going to need to tell me why that isn't true.


Because really, when you feel a bit cow-ish to begin with, you don't want to resemble one gastronomically too!


MOO-O-O-O!!!!


Oh.  That rhymes.  I didn't mean to do that.  Really.




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Trying to enjoy the process

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Y'know this house stuff is all so complicated.  There are appraisals and applications and disclosures and Realtors and loan officers and attorneys and inspectors and contractors and sellers and .. and .. I'm sure there are more.  I've come to really like my loan officer and my realtor, they are both great people and tons of fun.  I know, not something usually associated with those positions, but I tend to break the ice right off the bat because if it's not going to be at least a little bit fun, I don't wanna do it.  And oh boy some of this can be tedious.


If I look at my lady (my GPS - doesn't everyone call it their lady?) there are an incredible amount of addresses.  Being the queen of online shopping I was finding properties faster than most - and emailing my realtor and asking  to see the listing, why is this one so cheap, why is this one so something else ... to the point that if I were him - I might have gotten exasperated and started avoiding my emails!  Instead he laughed and showed me what I wanted to see, gave me the information I requested.  Great guy!


At this point I feel like when you're 2 weeks pregnant and don't want to tell anyone anything because you aren't sure what might happen before everything is certain.  But things are moving along.  


I've made some new friends during this process, and saw an old one too - all in all it's been a great experience so far.


Now lets just hope the pregnancy goes full term.  I'll let you know when it looks like it might.

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I wish you joy!

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Feeling it.

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Many times in my life my happiness hinged on whether I was in a relationship and if I was - whether it was working or not.  You always hear that you have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else, you have to wade through your own garbage before you can share it with someone else.  Er.. or something like that.  But none of the knowledge stored in my noggin made a damn bit of difference when it came to what I felt in my heart.  And my heart always seemed to be breaking.  

Fast forward several years and I have trouble reaching deep and touching those emotions again.  They are remembered but they are no longer felt.

 I do not believe I will ever be willing to marry again.  I have a feeling my relationships will always be a bit at arm's length.  Yet knowing these things I still find myself being content and satisfied with myself.  At peace even.  My kids are great and I am making moves in my life I never imagined doing on my own.  

It seems this is the season for realizing that life is good.  Pretty sure I've never felt it as much as I do now, and it feels amazing.

52 has been a very good year.

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