Feeling it.

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Many times in my life my happiness hinged on whether I was in a relationship and if I was - whether it was working or not.  You always hear that you have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else, you have to wade through your own garbage before you can share it with someone else.  Er.. or something like that.  But none of the knowledge stored in my noggin made a damn bit of difference when it came to what I felt in my heart.  And my heart always seemed to be breaking.  

Fast forward several years and I have trouble reaching deep and touching those emotions again.  They are remembered but they are no longer felt.

 I do not believe I will ever be willing to marry again.  I have a feeling my relationships will always be a bit at arm's length.  Yet knowing these things I still find myself being content and satisfied with myself.  At peace even.  My kids are great and I am making moves in my life I never imagined doing on my own.  

It seems this is the season for realizing that life is good.  Pretty sure I've never felt it as much as I do now, and it feels amazing.

52 has been a very good year.

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Apparently, there is always hope.

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My son kind of lives in the back of the house while I live in the front.  He can come to the front of the house and spend time with me anytime he likes, but he is always incredibly involved in .. er.. something or other back there.

In the past people may have heard me say - no one will know if I die because God knows Andy will never notice if I don't come out of my room.  It's not that he'll think I'm sleeping, or that I have a day off work .. he just won't think about it.

On Monday I stayed home from work and spent most of the day in bed.  Thought I was working on birthing another kidney stone but it ended up okay.  Since there was pain involved I was only sleeping some of the time and at some point I heard Andy coming toward my room.  I opened my eyes and said "Hi Honey, what's up?" 

This is where it gets really strange.  He said he noticed my car, that I hadn't gone to work, and he was just checking ...
Do you hear the angels singing???  AH-H-H-H-H-H-H ......



My sleep might be a little more peaceful from now on.
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