Battle royale

There are no words adequate enough to describe how creeped out, itchy and skeeved I feel! Ugh! Anything I can think of has some kind of guttural blech-ch sound, ugh! Argh-h-h!! There are things crawling on me, I can feel it. And I am being watched like my very own Hitchcock film.

Coming home from work like usual today I stepped up onto the porch and checked the mail while holding the screen door open with my hip. Gah! Spider web inside the mailbox, but no mail. My son must have gotten it earlier so I continued to unlock the door and go in.

Yesterday I had seen a bit of spider webbing inside the mailbox, but didn’t think much of it. Today it was much larger, as well as the webbing between the mailbox and the siding. Ick!

I put my purse down and got my broom, knowing that if I did this – this particular broom would never be coming inside the house again. I have a tendency to pass spider webs hoping they aren’t really there or will somehow disappear next time I go past where I had seen them outside. After all, they aren’t in my house, they are outside, they keep the mosquito population down, etc. Why bother with them?

This was too much. A web inside the mailbox, one outside, one above the window next to the door, another in the corner where the siding meets on the other side of the door, and more. All in the confines of my front porch which is maybe 5 to 6 feet across and 3 feet deep. There is an overhang and the walls as well as the underside of the overhang are all covered with siding. Aluminum, vinyl, I don’t know, I rent. I don’t care! And there were spider webs all over the place. Of course I couldn’t see the spiders but you just know they were watching me with all their creepy multiple eyes as I started to knock down their homes with my broom.

Oh-h-h .. gragh-gh-gh somebody give me the words! I am sitting on my couch and my shoulders are up around my ears, my face is scrunched as if in pain. My leg muscles are tight and my skin is on hyper-alert for any twinge of a feeling of something touching me. I’m seeing things run past me that aren’t there, I am clearly traumatized. I really don’t drink very often but I think it’s time to start. Agh-hh!

I did some comprehensive research (read google search) to identify the spiders I did eventually see. As I was looking at the pictures I was physically pulling away from my laptop and pulling my shirt up over my nose and twisting it into a knot. I heard noises and realized it was me – making the ah-h-h eh-h-h noises I might make while backing away from an axe murderer offering to make me a cup of tea. CREEPED OUT!!!

So when the broom started bringing the web inhabitants out to see what the ruckus was all about, I switched weapons. I turned on the hose. I sprayed and I sprayed, all the time saying things like “ah-h infestation! Infestation! Gak-k!!” And holding my breath. Had to remind myself to breathe.

These spiders were big. Not those skinny little blond house spiders, these were brown and furry and they had little stripes on their legs. And oh my gosh they were fast! I washed them out of the crevices between the siding, they would hit the porch and be all the way to the other side faster than I could see them do it. I was battling about 3 on the porch itself, another one that had gone off the front of the porch and was hanging onto the underside of the rubber backed mat that was pushed out about an inch past the porch. I moved back so as to be able to see all the spiders at one time and to avoid the water that was starting to pour off of the overhang and into my hair and onto my neck which of course was probably (absolutely) filled with more spiders. Needed to get the advantage.

I moved off the porch and realized there were more webs around the corner on the side of the house along the driveway not 2 feet from the front if the house. I sprayed there too, taking at least a full 5 minutes to direct spray one stubborn spider above the air conditioner who just. would. not. fall. Did you know spiders are resistant to drowning?

I had my BF on the phone yelling “infestation! Why aren’t you here!?” Totally going into helpless girl mode, “This is a man’s job! You need to hunt! Kill! You need to fight the infestation for me, it’s your job!!!” Blech-h. Ugh. Gargh-h-h. More guttural noises were escaping. And so were the spiders.

I had counted 5 for sure, some as big as quarters, some as ginormous as a half dollar! Huge brown furry many legged and eyed crawly things that were out to get me, just because I wanted them dead! Every single last one of them. Give me bats to control the bug population, I’m not afraid or creeped out by them. But these spiders were too big to even step on because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they would make a huge crunch which would call their brethren to their rescue. And if I missed, these spiders were so fast they would have been up over my shoe and up my pant leg before I knew it! Couldn’t take that risk.

I stood back and surveyed my handiwork. Water was everywhere, in puddles on the porch, running down the siding and pooling on the driveway. The spiders I could see were regrouping and getting their footing again, standing in one place readying for the next assault I’m sure.

I couldn’t wait very long and risk their escape or worse, facing them in the dark. I don’t think so!!! Time for the poison.

I try not to use much poison what with having cats and all, especially having one cat who has tried to commit suicide at least 3 times and cost me literally thousands of dollars to have spinal taps and cat scans (heh) and last time even a feeding tube stuck through her side to give her nourishment. No, poison is something I try to stay away from and the fact that I went for it shows how great was my desperation.

Home Defense. The stuff that comes in the gallon jug with the little hose and spray nozzle. Just what I needed. No, I needed Valium but there wasn’t any available. I got my nozzle ready, in the on position, and got into my stance. I swear the spiders got into their stances too, bracing with those legs toward the back, bouncing on the tips of the front ones, ready to bolt. Ick-k-k!! Yuk-k-k!!! SPRAY!!!!!!! Oh. I’m spraying here – spiders – don’t you feel it?? I was looking at a spider that literally had a drop of poison hanging off it’s big abdomen as big as the abdomen itself – and it did not seem fazed. It would stand there while I sprayed it and as soon as I stopped – make a run for it! Like it was water. That scared me. Water resistant and now poison resistant. What else could I use? I couldn’t very well burn down the house! Well, at least until I got the cats out.

About 25 minutes later I dragged my weary butt into the house. Through the back door. I have until October till any small child will have reason to step on my porch or touch the doorbell, and by then I think the coating of poison will have worn off. Right?

Coming in the house I took off my shoes, stripped off my clothes and got into the shower to wash off the remnants of battle. Any mangled spider bits or insect spray trying to absorb into my skin had to go, and I needed to calm myself. Coming out of the shower in nice clean jammies I picked up my clothes with my fingertips and threw it in the washing machine and probably put too much detergent in as I started it. Washed my hands Gleh-h-h!

Now I am on the couch convinced that the spiders I managed to kill are being carried on the shoulders of their fellow warriors off to a funeral pyre where all the spiders in the neighborhood will circle and plan their revenge. I can’t relax. I know they’re out there. I know they will come for me. I must be ready. *shudder* I might need some time.