It's almost NOT June!

I didn't realize it (see heel of hand hitting forehead) but it's June - the wedding month. June is when my Mom's birthday is, and the anniversary of my wedding. But it's not an anniversary I celebrate obviously, because I'm not married to that man anymore, haven't been for oh - 12 ....... ish .... years. Wouldn't want to be married to him anymore! Have no idea who he is now (did I ever, really?) and that's okay. I have 2 beautiful children and I will never complain about that.

I don't want to get married again. Is that wrong? People seem to want to convince me I don't mean that when I say it. Actually I find it to be SO freeing to say it out loud! It is a wonderful thing to me to not be the me who needed someone in my life to feel that I was worthy somehow. (thanks dad!)

There were times in my life when I accepted things I shouldn't have, tried to mold myself into something I wasn't, and even practiced true denial so I wouldn't be alone.
me: "well, would you consider getting rid of the girlfriend so we can at least go to counseling to see if there is anything left to save?"
him: "What? You think she's the first?"
I am not that person anymore and I am so happy to be able to say that.

After my divorce, I spent many years forgiving lie after lie, absorbing the hurts - letting someone else define who I was and not disputing the definition too hard because - gasp - I might lose him!! Ugh. I was told I had no sense of humor. I was afraid to even attempt to say something funny because he wouldn't laugh (he couldn't contradict the pronouncement he had made!) and then I would feel stupid. I was told I didn't like people (because I am not someone who needs people around all of the time), that I didn't like music (because I listened to talk radio), and on and on. I could never say thank you enough times for anything he did for me - and he did quite a bit. I would say thank you, say it again later, and then ever after when he reminded me what he did for me. In the end - I was never grateful enough.

I told him he did not have to love my cats, he did not even have to like them. All I asked was that he leave them alone. But no. Somehow it was important (or perhaps funny) to him to show those darn cats who was boss - by making a loud noise - stomping his feet and charging at them - or whipping his ball cap across the room at them. Scaring them half to death was so amusing. No wonder my boy cat peed on his carpet! He was expressing something I wouldn't.

Y'know, I was always grateful for what he did for me. He did things for me that I would never have been able to do for myself without great financial expense or blood sweat and tears. Whether he believed it or not I was grateful. I always will be. But I could not continue to accept the half truths, broken promises, and his protestations of innocence when I knew different. I could not continue to protect and coddle his ego just because he needed me to. I needed out. It took me so long - he just kept coming back. It was familiar. It wasn't what either of us wanted. It wasn't all bad - but it wasn't healthy.

He thought there was someone else. There wasn't. I had just finally disconnected myself emotionally to the point that he could feel it. It was tangible. And it put him into the panic mode that I spent most of our relationship in - knowing something was wrong - needing to fix it. The heart beating out of my chest - the difficulty breathing - the drive to listen to his answering machine a few times, check his caller ID because I knew there was something. Someone. He finally felt it too. Except he was wrong - I wasn't wrong when I felt it. I lived my life with him always unsure of myself, him, and in a state of high anxiety. Like I said, there were good things - but for the most part - it was unhealthy.

It would be really nice if he could just be happy for me now and wish me well as I do him.

It's been over 2 years and I feel so much better now. So much more ME - more willing to take a chance - more willing to allow someone into my life without contorting myself to be what he wants me to be. There is no worry that I am somehow not good enough. I'm not afraid to say anything. Be anything.

Looking into my boyfriends eyes the other day, having a relaxed hour together, I watched his smile broaden and crack into a grin. When he grins - his nose crinkles up in the most adorable way and he smiles with his eyes --he really does smile with his whole face. He laughs when I say something funny and does not make pronouncements about who I am based on the qualities I have that are different from his. He accepts me. Totally. He is a joy.

But I still don't want to get married again. And that's not wrong. :)

It's taken me so long to get here. So very long. But I am glad I got here. Finally.

Danger Will Robinson! Danger!

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I have PMS and I am on a diet. 'Nuff said.

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Okey Doky

Is there a proper way to spell that?

So. My daughter and I both recommend the Nutrisystem sloppy joes. Dani HATED the apple toaster pastry while I thought the strawberry was okay. She thought the texture of the cranberry orange pastry was "spongy" - I really enjoyed it. I think she is more sensitive to texture than I am. The food as a whole so far has been a bit disappointing. I guess I was expecting it to be at least as good as Lean Cuisine or something, but on the other hand it was important to me that it not need to be refrigerated or frozen because I simply don't have the space. So I suppose there is a trade-off there. I particularly DID enjoy the chicken fettuccine I had last night, as well as the meatloaf I had tonight. The mashed potatoes were pretty weird though. Dani gave the mushroom risotto a high rating as well. I've been holding off on weighing myself - I don't feel any different I don't think. Hmmmm.


On an entirely different note - I managed to get some nice pieces made tonight. I finally used the agate slab beads I had, made a really nice necklace. Got about 5 pairs of earrings done, a couple necklaces and bracelets. I like to get several pieces done and then do all the picture taking together, etc. I'd like to get a few more things made before I move on to that step this week.

Made a sale tonight, sold one of my favorite necklaces. One of those things that I would look at and think - why hasn't that sold yet? It's so pretty. But - obviously - to each his own, there's something out there for everyone but it's not necessarily in my shop!

Oh! I almost forgot! HerRoyalMajestyBags posted in the ETC section of Etsy's forums - that her neighbors are giving her a hard time because they don't like that she hangs her laundry out to dry in her own backyard. Well, HerRoyalMajestyBags got fed up and posted a request for underwear! She wants to make some kind of prayer flag made of undies - although I think it's gotten bigger than that at this point. I got my contribution ready and it will go out tomorrow. She has promised to post pictures - so hopefully all of us who have donated to the cause will get to see the results! What a hoot! :)

I guess I never realized that it was considered "trashy" to hang your laundry out to dry. Have people gotten so far away from their childhoods - or did these people grow up in the city? I don't know. I remember having to go into the backyard to hang clothes for my Mom (probably not very often) or to take stuff down. The only equipment needed - a clothesline, laundry basket, and clothes pins. Such a simple thing. But is it not an acceptable practice now? Boggles MY mind! Women,menopause,peri-menopause,osteoporosis,feminism,complexion,shoes,hair,
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Accuracy

I am posting a couple pics so I can ask for some help with accurately identifying these beads. They were sold to me (in order of appearance) as:



natural agate

onyx

moss agate

citrine quartz

cherry quartz

iolite quartz



Now, taking what I have learned recently, that means the first 3 are real stone and the last 3 are manmade stones. Or glass I guess. My question is - how come SO many people sell beads labeled as quartz or jade - knowing they aren't? Hmmmm.

Revelations and disappointment

Last night in Etsy forums a thread was started called Opalite is not a gemstone. At least I believe that's the name. http://www.etsy.com/forums_thread.php?thread_id=5135256 It was all about the trend toward gemstones (or not) being misidentified. It is something that started to disturb me not too long ago when I started to realize I did not know enough about the stones themselves - that I was using. This thread really brought home how you cannot just believe someone because they sell it as say - pineapple quartz. That's not quartz - it's glass! There is no such thing as pineapple quartz. I did not know this. When I started to make jewelry I bought my beads based on how pretty they were, how unusual, etc. But now I kind of feel like the dumb blond with her finger in her cheek and vacant look in her eyes!

The result of the whole thread - which last time I looked had over 400 posts and was still on the first page under Buying and Selling - is that I have decided I must educate myself to a greater degree. There isn't anything wrong with using synthetic stones. There is nothing wrong with glass or acrylic or whatever people choose to use. But if you don't identify them accurately you are misrepresenting what you are selling. Oh I hate the thought! I identify the beads in my jewelry as what they were represented as to me when I bought them. But I need to know what I'm buying - not just what people TELL me I am buying. I am glad that I do not charge in the upper ranges for my jewelry, I think I DO charge what it is worth. But my goal has been to get more skilled at what I am doing and this is just one more aspect of that. I need to educate myself and have ordered the books that were recommended last night. I guess I'm going to get an edumication!!! :) By choice. :)

Quick note on the diet - I did fine today - there are enough different things you eat during the day to keep most people satisfied I would think. I missed my afternoon snack, but I will make sure I get all of it in tomorrow. I will say that I am heartily disappointed in my dessert option tonight though. And unfortunately it is the option I ordered the most of. :( It is the chocolate cake. It wasn't nearly as chocolaty (is that a word?) as I was expecting, and the texture was kind of mushy. Icky. I will have to cook it a bit longer next time, but my microwave is one that you generally don't go over a normal cook time with so we will see. I have a huge sweet tooth so I was really counting on that dessert option to be good. Still - everything else I ate today was good - and tomorrow I have planned a bit better since Dani and I ran to the store and stocked up on produce and the like. I know what I am having for breakfast, lunch, and snack because those are all during work hours.

It's good to have a plan. :) Disappointed in the chocolate cake but not discouraged. Onward! Search for women's issues like menopause, peri-menopause, osteoporosis, feminism, complexion, shoes, hair, makeup, manicure, motherhood, pregnancy, breastfeeding, hormones, daycare, health, and everyday concerns.