Simply fabulous!

My daughter emailed me at work today - "there are men on our roof."

Always a minimalist.

"Are they looking or are they fixing?"

"Fixing. Before the rain. That's what the man said who came to the door."

Okay great! Happy! It's cloudy and looks like it might rain tonight, I didn't want to be emptying the sled in the attic again. And once the roof is sealed, we can get the drywall replaced and make sure the mold is gone and all will be well with the world again.

Or .. maybe not.




This doesn't instill a lot of confidence in someone, does it? I mean, I am willing to give the patch the benefit of the doubt. But I must admit, I am skeptical.



Right on queue my landlady called, said the roofer had told her he would try to get out this week and I told her that he had been out today. She was happy about that but did not seem as appreciative when I reminded her that she needs to make sure that whoever comes out to replace the drywall needs to know there is mold involved. And we don't know what kind it is - it does have the potential to be dangerous. She also wasn't incredibly upbeat when I mentioned that my daughter has not been able to sleep in her room since the mold was found, even though I emptied and cleaned the closet as best I could, AND installed an air conditioner in that room.

Yes Landlady, even though you didn't say thank you, you're welcome. Because I'm sure you really do appreciate the cleaning and the air conditioner and the crawling around in the attic emptying the sled and the roasting pan. I know you were probably quite pleased that I did not call you over and over even though the leak and the mold were discovered over a week ago. I didn't hound you about it even though my daughter has been sleeping on the couch for a week and all of her belongings in her bedroom smell like mold.

You are SO welcome. And you can count on me to make sure that patch takes care of the leak!

It's almost NOT June!

I didn't realize it (see heel of hand hitting forehead) but it's June - the wedding month. June is when my Mom's birthday is, and the anniversary of my wedding. But it's not an anniversary I celebrate obviously, because I'm not married to that man anymore, haven't been for oh - 12 ....... ish .... years. Wouldn't want to be married to him anymore! Have no idea who he is now (did I ever, really?) and that's okay. I have 2 beautiful children and I will never complain about that.

I don't want to get married again. Is that wrong? People seem to want to convince me I don't mean that when I say it. Actually I find it to be SO freeing to say it out loud! It is a wonderful thing to me to not be the me who needed someone in my life to feel that I was worthy somehow. (thanks dad!)

There were times in my life when I accepted things I shouldn't have, tried to mold myself into something I wasn't, and even practiced true denial so I wouldn't be alone.
me: "well, would you consider getting rid of the girlfriend so we can at least go to counseling to see if there is anything left to save?"
him: "What? You think she's the first?"
I am not that person anymore and I am so happy to be able to say that.

After my divorce, I spent many years forgiving lie after lie, absorbing the hurts - letting someone else define who I was and not disputing the definition too hard because - gasp - I might lose him!! Ugh. I was told I had no sense of humor. I was afraid to even attempt to say something funny because he wouldn't laugh (he couldn't contradict the pronouncement he had made!) and then I would feel stupid. I was told I didn't like people (because I am not someone who needs people around all of the time), that I didn't like music (because I listened to talk radio), and on and on. I could never say thank you enough times for anything he did for me - and he did quite a bit. I would say thank you, say it again later, and then ever after when he reminded me what he did for me. In the end - I was never grateful enough.

I told him he did not have to love my cats, he did not even have to like them. All I asked was that he leave them alone. But no. Somehow it was important (or perhaps funny) to him to show those darn cats who was boss - by making a loud noise - stomping his feet and charging at them - or whipping his ball cap across the room at them. Scaring them half to death was so amusing. No wonder my boy cat peed on his carpet! He was expressing something I wouldn't.

Y'know, I was always grateful for what he did for me. He did things for me that I would never have been able to do for myself without great financial expense or blood sweat and tears. Whether he believed it or not I was grateful. I always will be. But I could not continue to accept the half truths, broken promises, and his protestations of innocence when I knew different. I could not continue to protect and coddle his ego just because he needed me to. I needed out. It took me so long - he just kept coming back. It was familiar. It wasn't what either of us wanted. It wasn't all bad - but it wasn't healthy.

He thought there was someone else. There wasn't. I had just finally disconnected myself emotionally to the point that he could feel it. It was tangible. And it put him into the panic mode that I spent most of our relationship in - knowing something was wrong - needing to fix it. The heart beating out of my chest - the difficulty breathing - the drive to listen to his answering machine a few times, check his caller ID because I knew there was something. Someone. He finally felt it too. Except he was wrong - I wasn't wrong when I felt it. I lived my life with him always unsure of myself, him, and in a state of high anxiety. Like I said, there were good things - but for the most part - it was unhealthy.

It would be really nice if he could just be happy for me now and wish me well as I do him.

It's been over 2 years and I feel so much better now. So much more ME - more willing to take a chance - more willing to allow someone into my life without contorting myself to be what he wants me to be. There is no worry that I am somehow not good enough. I'm not afraid to say anything. Be anything.

Looking into my boyfriends eyes the other day, having a relaxed hour together, I watched his smile broaden and crack into a grin. When he grins - his nose crinkles up in the most adorable way and he smiles with his eyes --he really does smile with his whole face. He laughs when I say something funny and does not make pronouncements about who I am based on the qualities I have that are different from his. He accepts me. Totally. He is a joy.

But I still don't want to get married again. And that's not wrong. :)

It's taken me so long to get here. So very long. But I am glad I got here. Finally.