I wish my cats were this funny!

On a lighter note ...

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. If you ever had a colonoscopy or are planning on one, you can't miss this one!!!

ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.


Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.


Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Eavesdropping

Oh my gosh this just made me laugh.

<a href="http://www.cmt.com/video/" target="_blank">Tom Mabe: Eavesdropping</a>

Tom Mabe: Eavesdropping

My bad.

This kind of thing just makes me cry.
Cuz I can't stop laughing.






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Enjoy!

You like me, you really like me!

In other news - I had my first review yesterday in my new position at work which is actually a year old and not so new anymore. But it was my first review done by this manager and I had no idea what to expect. It was actually pretty good, I was satisfied and pleased but what I didn't expect was to be praised like this "BJ you're funny. Hilarious really." He went on to tell me that my comments during conference calls and such are good for morale basically, and help keep things light and bring us together as a team. We are all remote and all over the country - most of us have never met each other in person so it can be a little awkward sometimes feeling like a close group or team.

And evidentally I am much funnier on conference calls than I am on this blog! But this brings up a memory from days gone by and a comment to a person who had my confidence so low at one time I could only look up at him. I guess that was the plan. He told me - you have no sense of humor. He didn't say it once, he said it a lot. And since humor was important to him he might as well have been telling me I wasn't a person. Oh right, the comment . . .

YOU WERE WRONG.

Now isn't THAT funny??? Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! I don't wish anything bad for him in his life. For the most part he had a big heart. But I just hope that he will or has realized how much words can hurt and sarcasm can be used as weapon. Those things can do real damage.

You can just see the thought process..

This is funny even if you're not a cat person!
Click the pic to go there.

Okay, well I know there isn't a big pay-off at the end
but - it made ME laugh out loud.

Gross. But funny.

Score! I made it to work today on time despite the fact that I had to climb into the attic and empty the sled before I showered. Oh - and the roasting pan. Yep, found another leak last night
when I was up there emptying the sled before bed.

We had tornadoes in the area last night. Bunches of people had their power knocked out, trees landed on cars and roofs were ripped off. And I was in my attic dipping a sponge into the water sitting in a pink sled and squeezing the water into a bucket.

"Mom! You can't go into the attic when there's a tornado warning!"

"Watch me."

The rain had slowed for the moment, there was a lot of lightning but c'mon - it was time for bed.
So you know of course that once I got down from the attic, emptied the bucket and pushed the
ladder back up into it's space, it started to rain and storm again. Groan...!

I was afraid that when I went to bed I would worry about the water and would have trouble
sleeping. Uh .. nope. Slept like a baby. Got up this morning and did the process over again.

It was supposed to rain today but it hasn't done it yet. I'm sure it will start to hail right before bed or something.

Told my boss about getting up in the attic before I showered this morning and he said "Why take a shower? Just go stand in the closet!

I told him he was funny. Gross. But funny.

We interrupt this program for ..

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